From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
