He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
