I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
