In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
