Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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