Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
