There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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