I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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