Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
