i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
