anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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