I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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