so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
