For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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