saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I need to sanitize my soul.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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