I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
