This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
im having a threesome with these popsicles
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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