can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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