I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
