Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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