kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
