Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
