did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
