direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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