update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
