Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
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