Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
