yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
