Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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