I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
