Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
