taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
