the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
