just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
