i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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