And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We need to get me chipped asap
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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