I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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