I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Randomize
