my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
