It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
