Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
