I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
