Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
this will be a night to untag.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
