3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
