are you still at the devil's house?
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
There's always time for handjobs
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
