she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
