my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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