I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize