her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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