2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
