If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
