Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
