Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
where are my eyebrows?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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