So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
