I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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