everyone is single if you try hard enough
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
