So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
