Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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